It’s so easy to ignore the early inklings of awareness. It’s like an emerging hint of color in my garden that I dismiss as a shadow. But, there it is again. Is it a weed or an acorn planted by the neighborhood jay? I didn’t plant it so I decide not to pay attention, for now. Days go by before I notice it again – larger and definitely waving – look at me!
On January 24th this year, I wrote a blog titled Emerging Awareness and this was the last paragraph: I’m becoming aware of something new starting to emerge within me. I’m not sure about it’s exact nature yet, but I intend to give this little flame all the oxygen it needs so I can see what happens and where it leads. I intend to pay attention, be mindful and present so I won’t miss the experience.
After years of ignoring all the signs and internal cues that were trying to get my attention, I’ve decided to listen, to be mindful and to nurture signs of growth. That’s what those feelings of awareness generally point to – growth – and growth means change. It’s that pesky word, change, that triggers the immediate recoil reaction. Today, instead of recoiling and immediately ignoring the cues, I’m choosing to allow curiosity to take a seat at the table because my experience has taught me that what I resist the most is quite often what is best for me.
I’m about to take a big step forward in my coaching business and it is this change that has me experiencing feelings of retreat – the imposter syndrome has been raising it’s head. Old patterns of thinking are trying to bully their way back in. I’m aware of it and I’m deliberately choosing to invite these old patterns in for a cup of tea. I’m going to ask why they are trying to get me to agree that I’m inadequate and incompetent despite a lot of evidence to the contrary. I can’t wait to see what happens when these old patterns are confronted and challenged.
Yes, I’m experiencing some discomfort but discomfort won’t kill me or ruin me – ignoring opportunities for improvement and growth will definitely keep me stuck and stagnant. It’s these feelings that I no longer wish to nurture. It’s the sprouting seeds of growth that are going to get my attention this time!
To be aware of a single shortcoming in oneself is more useful than to be aware of a thousand in someone else. – Dalai Lama